


What Hurts the Most

by waywarddaughter13



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst for everyone, F/M, Maybe a plot twist, dont hate me, i cried, im so sorry, who lets me write this shit?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 08:34:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4557864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waywarddaughter13/pseuds/waywarddaughter13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>dean decides to visit the reader's grave almost a year later. He gets the courage to tell her everything he should have said when she was alive. </p>
<p>(I was listening to "what hurts the most" by Rascal Flatts when I wrote this)</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Hurts the Most

**Author's Note:**

> What is written in italics are flash backs(:

I listened to the rain on the roof of the Impala. The tears were freefalling as I gripped the wheel a little tighter. They keep asking if I'm okay. It's been almost a year, and they still ask. Some nights I am, but most nights, like tonight, I'm not. As I drove down the highway, I couldn't help but think back to that hunt. The hunt where I lost you.

****

_"Dammit (y/n)! I told you to wait in the car!" I yelled. I told her to wait at the car. I knew it was dangerous. We were blindly walking into an abandoned building because of Crowley. Goddamn Crowley._

_"I'm sorry Dean, but Crowley called. It's a trap." She said. "I wasn't about to let you two get blindsided just because you get off on being authoritative." Goddamn she's sassy._

_Instead of putting my foot in my mouth, which is a first, I simply nodded and motioned to the door. "No way? There's no way in hell we are still going in there, Dean. You heard (y/n) it's a trap. We should go back to the bunker and regroup." Sam all but shouted._

_"I'm not just going to leave a building full of de---" (y/n) cut me off._ _"Exactly Dean. A building full of demons! We'd be toast!"_

****

Miles down the road from the bunker, I reached the small cemetery where they laid you to rest. I regret not telling you. I regret never letting you know. I regret not coming to your funeral.

****

_"What do you see?" She asked as we were cruising down the back road toward the bunker. "I see nothing but road, (y/n/n)?" I replied. She let out a laugh. That sound was music to my ears. I could listen to it all day._

_"I mean, what do you see when you think about a normal life?" She looked at me with a glimmer of hope in her eye. "Come on sweetheart, can we not do this?" I huffed. I would never tell her that I saw her. Us. I always envisioned us getting married, kids, white picket fence, the whole 9 yards. "Please Dean? Humor me. I'll go first. I see you." I almost slammed on the breaks right then and there._

_"Wha-- what?" I stuttered. She let out a breathy laugh and swiped a hand over her face. "I see you. I see a small house, kinda like the one your parents had. Two kids, a boy who looks like me, and a girl who looks like you." She paused, like she was scared to continue. "Keep going." I encouraged._

****

When I finally got the courage to get out of the car, I went directly to your headstone and took a seat. I couldn't find the words to say so I sat in silence in the pouring rain. I let my thoughts take me back to that night again.

****

"Dean! Did you hear me?!" Sam brought me out of my thoughts. "Nah man I'm sorry. What'd you say?"

"Crowley just text me. He said that that building was full of Abaddon's followers." Sam explained. Damn demons, such fucking pests. "We should have took those bastards out when we had the chance." (Y/n) scoffed.

"We would have died Winchester. Is that what you want?! You might have a death wish, but I sure as fuck do not." I could tell she was pissed, the vein in her forehead always popped out and she'd scrunch up her eyebrows.

"She has a point Dean. For all we know, Abaddon could have been there. It would have been like leading lambs to the slaughterhouse. Retreating is the smart idea" Sam defended her.

****

"I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you. I cost you your life sweetheart. I told you I was poison." I finally spoke. "There are so many things I should have told you before... It hurts so bad, sweetheart. And the worst part is, it's not the fact that you're gone that hurts the most. It's the fact that we were so close. We were best friends. Almost lovers. We should have been lovers." I choked on my own sobs. "I had so much I wanted, no I should have, said to you. Now, I'm stuck with the thoughts of what could have been. I'm stuck knowing that you'll never know that all I wanted was to love you." I cried.

****

_"I'm telling you, (y/n), this is the best pie I've ever had." I mused. Her face turned three shades of red and she ducked her head. "You're just saying that to get into my pants, D." She giggled. I stood from my seat at the table to pin her against the bar._

_We were so close, I swear I felt her heart beating. It still amazed me how I towered over her tiny figure. "Dean wha-- what're you doin'?" She spoke nervously. I lifted my hands to caress her face, tilting it so she could look me in the eyes. "I would never just say that. You're different. I couldn't 'just get into your pants'. You mean something. You always have." I whispered softly._

_I don't know how long I stared into her gorgeous eyes. My concentration was broken when she leaned up, wrapped her arms around my neck, and placed her lips to mine. The way our mouths moved in sync, it was like we were made for each other._

_I traced her bottom lip with the tip of my tongue, silently asking permission. She ever so slightly parted her lips to allow my entrance. Our tongues battled for dominance, but the battle was soon cut short as she pulled away to catch her breath. "Woah." She gasped. I nodded in agreement._

****

"There are so many things I should have said. There is no way I could ever make this up to you now. I should have been a man, I should have been your man."

****

_"I'm not leaving this building with those black eyed fuckers in there. Now you can come with and have my back, or I'll go in alone and slaughter as many of them as I can." I yelled. (Y/n) and Sam shared a concerned look but nodded in defeat. "Let's fucking go then." She grumbled._

****

"I should have never let you in that building. I'm so sorry. I know that doesn't make it better but I am."

****

_I had no choice but to watch as Abbadon continuously beat the hell out of (y/n). I tried to break free. "What is so great about her, Dean? She can't even fight back." Abbadon laughed. "Stop. Please. Don't fucking touch her again." I screamed. "Don't worry Dean-o. I'm done. She's boring me." She sighed..... Then snapped (Y/n) neck. "Nooooooooo!"_

****

I cringed at the memory. "I know I can never make this up to you. I know sorry can never fix it." The sobs became too much to handle. When I finally calmed down, I decided I should leave. I was soaked to the bone, and my head was pounding. "There is one more thing, if you're listening, or even care. I saw you. I always saw you."

I turned, walked back to the impala, turned the keys and checked my mirror. What I saw in the back seat nearly gave me a heart attack. "(y/n)?!"

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe a part 2?
> 
> Also, I'm working on the last chapter of "I'd let him". Please don't hate me, those of you who have been keeping up with it. Thank you for being patient with me. I know I'm taking forever.


End file.
